Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
