I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
