woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
