i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i will never coherently bang her
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
