I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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