I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
