Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
where are you?
Hypothermia
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
