judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
