hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
