so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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