Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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