I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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