Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
