i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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