your parents love me but you hate me
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
