Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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