just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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