Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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