I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
