I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
