There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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