just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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