Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
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