I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
