I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
