i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
