So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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