hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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