I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
