Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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