Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
