She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
