Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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