She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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