I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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