I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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