oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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