he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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