I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
