i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
