Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
