I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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