They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
