I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
