just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i out mim tonsoeep
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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