I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
