You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
