i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize