A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
