I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
