Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
