Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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