Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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