if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
