I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
