So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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