i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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