he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
