I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
