you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
